The Greatest Liar: Drunken Confessions
by hikaranko
Summary: Drunks have never been very good at keeping quiet about their secrets. Ranma Saotome is no exception. And he is drunk. Very... VERY drunk. oneshot. rated T for situations and language.


**The Greatest Liar: Drunken Confessions**  
_by hikaranko_

**Summary:** Drunks have never been very good at keeping quiet about their secrets. Ranma Saotome is no exception. And he is drunk. Very... very drunk. rated T for situations and language. :P

**Disclaimer:** No, Ranma 1/2 is not mine. it belongs to Rumiko Takahashi, comic genius, creator of many complicated love webs and emotionally constipated boys.

**Author's Note:** this idea very randomly came to me while watching an InuYasha AMV. There were subtitles on the bottom, and I saw in one scene where InuYasha's head was in Kagome's lap and he was sorta drifting in and out of consciousness and he says that Kagome smells nice. Kagome sorta laughs and says "I thought you hated the way I smell," and then InuYasha says "That was… a lie..." Then he konks out.

anyways, i just wrote this story for the hell of it and because it got into my system and i felt like if i didn't write it, it'd irritate the hell out of me. XD that said, enjoy!

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_Well, if you wanted honesty  
That's all you had to say  
I never want to let you down or have you go  
It's better off this way  
...  
I'm not okay  
You wear me out_

_"I'm Not Okay", My Chemical Romance _

-----------------------------_  
_

Ranma slammed the bottle of sake down on the table, his face as red as his shirt. He was drunk – anyone could see that – and he was angry.

"I HATE HER!" he growled, glaring at the now cracked bottle still in his hand. "I HATE HER SOOOO MUCH!"

Ryoga just rolled his eyes and took another sip of the soda he'd brought with him. He didn't know how Ranma had gotten so drunk, being underage, but that's how he'd been when he encountered him on the street. When he bumped into Ranma on the street several hours ago, his cheeks had been bright pink and the martial artist immediately dragged Ryoga to the nearest bar. He'd scared the bartender into serving him as much alcohol as possible by threatening him and smashing the nearest large object into pieces as a demonstration of his skill. It seemed very likely that Happosai had somehow slipped it into his system earlier on, but the creepy old pervert's reasoning for that completely eluded him.

All of this led up to one very drunk Ranma Saotome that had been ranting and raving all night about his problem-riddled life, from his irresponsible father to his unusual talent for picking up rivals and fiancés to his cursed body. Ryoga hadn't spoken much all night, even though Ranma had thrown a few questions in his direction, and was fine with just drinking whatever soda or juice he could find. The bar itself had emptied out an hour or two earlier, because Ranma's incessant rambling had driven all the patrons out. The bartender knew well enough to leave violent drunks alone and kept himself busy on the far side of the room, watching the sports highlights reel on one of the TVs.

Ranma peered suspiciously at the bottle of sake he had just slammed down, as though he had no idea how it had appeared in his grip. It suddenly seemed very large and tall to him, though this was probably because his chin was now resting near it on the countertop. He growled and slammed another fist down on the table.

"HATE HER!"

By "her," of course, Ranma meant Akane Tendo. This was probably his millionth claim of hatred that he had made in the past few hours. The proclamations were quite frequent and always seemed to pop up out of nowhere. One moment he could be talking about the recent weather in Nerima, and the next moment scream "I HATE HER!" at the top of his lungs, only to slump back down and go on to another topic. But this time, Ryoga noted with some interest, it seemed like he was finally going to get into the subject.

Anyone who had spent even a day with Ranma knew that he had difficulty dealing with his feelings. It didn't take a genius to see that much. The very fact that he was loudly claiming to hate Akane every few minutes meant that something was going to spill sooner or later, which was probably the main reason Ryoga was still sitting with Ranma at the bar (otherwise, he would have walked out on him ages ago). Just like everyone else that knew Ranma and Akane, Ryoga wanted to hear some straight facts. All the better if he could get them out of Ranma himself.

Though Ryoga was still hoping that Ranma really did hate Akane's guts. Maybe, if he was lucky, then he would hand Akane over to Ryoga and give them his blessings, just for being there to listen to him in his fit of drunken rage.

Ranma pressed his forehead to the countertop and slammed another fist down on the table, making another dent in its surface. "I HATE HER!" he yelled one more time, his face lowered to his lap.

Ryoga nodded. "I know."

"NO!" Ranma's head snapped upward so that he could look Ryoga in the eye. "NO, YOU _DON'T _KNOW! I REALLY HATE HER!"

Ryoga smirked slightly and turned to give Ranma his full attention for the first time since he'd been dragged into the bar.

"SHE'S AN IDIOT, Y'KNOW THAT? 'Course ya don't know that, yer too busy lettin' her snuggle ya close to her boobs ta know that… BUT SHE IS! SHE'S ALWAYS IN THA WAY LIKE SHE THINKS SHE KNOWS HOW TA FIGHT, BUT SHE DON'T! SHE'S LIKE A… LIKE A… AN IDIOT!"

Ryoga's smirk grew. Ranma didn't even know what he was saying anymore.

"BUILT LIKE A STICK, DUMB AS A BRICK, CAN'T EVEN KICK, MACHO CHICK…"

Ahh, all the usual insults. Ryoga took another sip of his soda.

"THAT CHICK'S CONVINCED I'M SOME KINDA PERVERT, BUT I'M NOT I TELL YA! LIKE I CAN HELP IT IF I TURN INTO A DAMN CHICK!" He lowered his voice to an irritated grumble. "I betcha she thinks I enjoy it or somethin'! Like I get off on…"

He made a vaguely vulgar gesture around his chest and groin areas. A slight, lazy grin cracked across his face suddenly.

"Hehe, I have boobs sometimes," he mumbled amusedly. Then his face twisted slightly as though he'd come across something strange. "They feel weird, didja know that? Oh, I bet ya would, since she makes ya touch her there all the time. Howzat _feel_?"

Ryoga suddenly choked on his soda. "Uh…"

"Not like it _matters_," Ranma went on, taking another swig from his cracked bottle of sake. He didn't seem to notice that the sake was leaking out from the crack and dribbling all over the place. "Not like I'm _interested_! 'CAUSE I _HATE_ HER!"

Ryoga jumped slightly as Ranma slammed the bottle back down on the counter, making the cracks even bigger and the rest of the sake spilled out.

"I HATE HER! I HATE HOW SHE NAGS AN' WHINES AN' COMPLAINS ALL THA TIME! AN' HOW SHE ALWAYS HITS ME EVEN WHEN I AIN'T DONE NOTHIN' WRONG AN' DON'T DESERVE IT! IF SHE'S GONNA BE JEALOUS COULDN'T SHE BE JUST A _LI'L _CUTER WHEN SHE DOES IT?"

By then, Ranma had just noticed that his bottle of sake was broken and he violently threw it against the wall, where it smashed completely. The bartender on the other side of the room looked at them irritably and then scribbled something down on a notepad before turning back to the TV. Ryoga sweat dropped. They were probably going to owe him a considerable amount of money.

"STUPID JEALOUS GIRL! _I'M_ THE ONE SHOULD BE JEALOUS, THE WAY SHE ACTS WITH ALL THEM BOYS FAWNIN' ON HER, DON'T EVEN TAKE NOTICE-"

He suddenly reached out and snagged Ryoga by the collar and drew him closer to his face. Ryoga grimaced. Ranma's blue eyes were bloodshot and his breath reeked of alcohol.

"_YOU_," he hissed into his face. "I _always _gotta look out fer _you_, ya sneaky perverted son of bitch! 'Cause you're the damn pig! You're pah… peh… pii…?" Ranma faltered, pulling back slightly and looking confused. Then, apparently unable to remember what he'd been trying to call Ryoga, his face twisted back into a scowl. "Damned _PIG_! YOU DON'T LAY A FINGER ON THAT UNCUTE TOMBOY ASS O' HERS, GOT IT? DON'T EVEN _THINK _IT!"

Ranma shoved Ryoga away from him and turned back to look at the counter, slamming both fists down in the puddle of sake. Ryoga gasped for clean air.

"AND SHE DON'T KNOW YET! HOW DUMB _IS _SHE IF SHE DON'T GET ALL THE DAMN HINTS I LEAVE FOR HER? STUPID GIRL! IDIOT CHICK WITH THAT LOOK ON HER FACE! THAT PATHETIC, WORRIED FACE LIKE SHE DON'T WANT ME TA…" He suddenly became quieter and his face softened sadly. "I… I hate her… I…"

Ryoga glanced at Ranma out of the corner of his eye. Things weren't looking very good for Ryoga.

"Yes, you hate her," he said, hoping to provoke Ranma into shouting it out again. "You, Ranma, hate Akane. You've said it many times now."

He lowered his head to the table so that his forehead was once against pressed against its surface and his bangs soaked up the spilt sake. "I… I hate…"

Ranma fell silent for a moment. Then suddenly, he gave a great sob and shook his head. "No… I don't hate her…"

Ryoga felt a slight prick of panic. "Yes you do! You've said it a million times now!"

Ranma mumbled something that Ryoga didn't understand. He prayed that it wasn't what he feared it was.

"You always say so, Ranma! You've told her to her face! You said that she's 'uncute,' 'thick-waisted'…"

As Ryoga began to list off the usual stash of insults, Ranma continued to shake his head, murmuring under his breath.

"'No sex-appeal,' 'violent,' 'gorilla-like'…"

"No… No, I don't hate her..."

Ryoga was getting desperate. This wasn't good for him at all! "But Ranma, you _said _–"

Ranma's head snapped up again so that he could properly fix his glare on Ryoga.

"I LIED!"

He was silent again for a moment, his shoulders trembling as he bit down on his lip. Ranma's face was so red it was almost funny, but all Ryoga could think about was how this development spelled disaster for him.

Eventually, Ranma turned away, cradling his head in his hands. "I can't take it no more," he moaned. "She just drives me up the wall, man. She says these things sometimes, like… Like, _nice _things… but I can't tell if she means it or whatever stuff… Then just when I _think _I get her, she turns it all around on me…" He sighed heavily. "She ain't stupid… It's me, it's always me… I keep on… the words all…"

His eyebrows knitted together in confusion, like he couldn't figure out how he wanted to phrase what he was going to say. So he just pointed at his foot and then at his mouth before slumping back into his drunken, depressed rant. Ryoga just watched, horrified. Somehow, he'd known to expect it. He just hadn't expected it to happen like this.

"I hate her but I _don't _hate her, but…" Ranma started banging his head lightly against the countertop. "Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid…!" Then he sprang back up again, angrily ruffling up his hair. "I'M SUCH A STUPID LIAR!"

If Ryoga didn't know Ranma any better, then he would have sworn there were tears in his eyes. As it was, he just assumed that some of the sake that his bangs had soaked up was dribbling down his face. It just so happened to be near the corners of his eyes. Ryoga nodded to himself, convinced. Yes. It was sake on his face. Not tears. Definitely not tears.

"I'm gonna lose her, man. I'm… gonna lose her, huh?"

Ryoga blinked as he looked at Ranma, who was now rocking back and forth on his stool and staring at one of the dents he'd made on the counter.

"She'll prob'ly run ta _you_, too." He frowned and closed his eyes. More sake slid down his cheeks. "_Fuck_, I hate you."

They were both silent again, Ryoga waiting for Ranma to turn around and throw a punch at him, but it never happened. Ranma just sat on his stool, rocking back and forth with his eyes closed and droplets of sake all over his face.

Oh, to hell with it. There was no way that was sake anymore.

Suddenly, Ranma let out a small chuckle.

"Y'know what I'd _really_ like ta do? There's these times when… when there's all these glowin' lights around her face when I look at her." He smiled. "She's pretty. She's _really _pretty, Ryoga. That's why I gotta beat up ev'ry guy that looks at her. But one o' those times… Just _one-_" He raised his index finger into the air as though he wanted to make sure Ryoga understood. "-I wanna run over to her and just… kiss her."

Ryoga lowered his gaze and turned around. He leaned forward on the counter, picking up his forgotten soda can and lifting it to his lips.

"It's funny," he could hear Ranma go on. "I can get all them other girls to like me… Not like I'm _tryin'_, but there they are. I think maybe a few of 'em actually think they _love_ me… but tha one girl that I actually like… I can't seem ta get through to her. I'm dumb. I'm _real _dumb, ain't I?"

Ryoga crumpled up the can of soda (damn stuff just wasn't doing it for him anymore) and eyed some of the bottles of liquor and sake on the opposite wall.

"Akane…"

He needed one of those bottles.

"I think…"

Right. Now.

"…I love you…"

Then there was a loud thud. Ryoga turned around to see what had happened and found that Ranma had fallen from his stool and was lying sprawled out on the floor, his face still as red as ever. Ryoga sweat dropped. He'd finally passed out.

He remained seated at the bar for a few extra moments, debating with himself about what he should do now. He could always leave Ranma there in the bar to deal with his situation when he awoke in the morning… or he could drag his sorry, drunken ass back to the Tendo dojo and possibly never make it there before he woke up.

Ryoga didn't have to think for too long, because soon enough, the entrance to the bar swung open. There stood Akane Tendo, looking thoroughly annoyed as her eyes quickly swept from one side of the room to the other, obviously searching for Ranma. Once she caught sight of Ryoga, sitting at the bar looking stunned and Ranma passed out on the floor nearby, her features softened.

"Oh, Ryoga! Were you with him all this time? Sorry to cause you so much trouble."

The lost boy blushed slightly and looked away, staring intently at the surface of the counter. He balled one hand into a fist, trying to remain calm as he listened to Akane approach.

"No trouble at all, Akane! I mean, we're all friends after all, right?"

Akane just smiled warmly. She then turned to look at Ranma and made an annoyed face. "Oh, honestly. If you could only see yourself, Ranma. You're pathetic."

"If you don't mind me asking, Akane… How did Ranma get drunk in the first place?"

"Oh… Well, Happosai came to the dojo and he… well, he was pretty drunk and picked a fight with Ranma. In the middle of the fight he said something about 'drunk-fu' and forced half a bottle of sake down his throat." Here Akane sighed, shaking her head in disappointment. "Who'd have thought Ranma had such a weak tolerance for alcohol? Just from that he got pretty tipsy and eventually left the dojo. We've been looking for him ever since."

Ryoga blinked. Ranma had only been tipsy when they bumped into each other? He'd seemed perfectly drunk! No wonder it had taken him five hours to finally pass out!

"But I'm glad you found him, Ryoga," Akane said, smiling as she knelt near Ranma. "I know this dummy'd never admit it, but you're the closest thing to a best friend as Ranma'll ever get. So… Thanks again."

"Oh…" Ryoga dropped his gaze into his lap, taking a deep breath. "You're welcome."

Akane smiled at him once more before slinging one of Ranma's arms around her shoulders and lifting him to his feet. He roused slightly, mumbling something incoherently under his breath. Akane rolled her eyes at him.

"You're pathetic, Ranma."

Ryoga stood from his stool, swiftly slinging his backpack over his shoulders, and walked toward Akane. "Do you need any help bringing him home?"

Akane blinked in surprise, but eventually broke out into another smile. "I'll be fine, but thanks for offering."

Ranma shifted suddenly, resting his chin on Akane's shoulder and nuzzling his nose into her hair. He smiled lazily.

"Smell nice…"

Akane rolled her eyes and, waving goodbye to Ryoga, started to walk Ranma out of the bar. "You idiot," she muttered to her drunk fiancé. "I thought you hated the way I smell."

And as they reached the doors and stepped outside, Ryoga heard Ranma murmur weakly, "I lied."

For a long, silent moment, Ryoga just stood in the middle of the room, feeling dejected. He let out a deep, sad sigh. He'd known all along that Ranma and Akane loved each other – he'd just hoped that it wouldn't last. But the chances of a break-up now seemed very unlikely; Ranma had practically admitted that losing Akane was the last thing he'd ever let happen.

Ryoga sighed again, adjusted his backpack, and moved to follow Ranma and Akane out.

Before he reached the door, he was stopped.

"Hey, kid," called the bartender from across the room. "You owe me ¥63,102 for damages to my place."

Ryoga's right eye twitched violently. "WHAAT?"

The bartender snorted and made another note in his notepad. "I guess you'll just have to work it off. You can start by cleaning up your mess."

Ryoga ground his teeth together and clenched his hands into his fists.

"_RAAAAANMAAAAAAAAA_!"

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**Author's Note:** heehee... I used the InuYasha/Kagome lines in the end, just 'cause I think it's kinda cute.

Since I can't exactly imagine Ranma being in a state that requires Akane to nurse Ranma in a similar fashion (apart from when he's a cat, but then I can't get the desired effect), I thought I'd just get him drunk. The only time we've ever seen Ranma slobbering drunk was in that "Romeo and Juliet" episode, so… I thought I'd give it a whirl. I realize Ranma's probably a little OOC because of that, but… whatever, he's drunk :P

now... i myself have never been massively drunk before, or maybe i have and i just don't remember... which is why there was simply no way i could do this from Ranma's POV. so i opted for Ryoga's, since i definitely know what it's like to watch people get drunk.

i realize that Ryoga's a bit too calm, all things considered, which makes him minorly OOC, but he was the only person i could think of being with Ranma at the bar. originally i was thinking that maybe Ukyo, Shampoo, and Kodachi were the ones who got him drunk in the hopes that he would make a move on one of them (or they could take advantage of him in his drunken stupor), but if Ranma went off like this in front of those girls, he might get killed. there was no way he could get drunk with his dad or with any of the Tendos; Soun and Genma might take advantage of the moment and marry him Akane right off, who knows what Nabiki would do, and Akane's obviously off-limits. Kasumi would probably give great advice on the issue, but Ranma doesn't need advice, he just needs to rant. Kuno was a definite no-go for obvious reasons. the next best option to Ryoga was Mousse, but i think Mousse would be much too busy thinking of Shampoo.

besides... it creates a bit of conflict of interest for Ryoga. :D

anyways... weird, random idea, but i just had to get it out of my system. feel free to leave a review as you leave!


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